He loves me

Next thing in the journey 
Revelation; he loves me!!
Duh!! you might think of course God loves you its the first thing you learn when you become a Christian but something I've realised for those who have been brought up in the Christian family so much of our faith can be head knowledge but not heart knowledge.

Let me elaborate from my own experience;
I knew God loved me, but deep down I felt like, "nah, he can't possibly love me!" I had been bullied as a child and it had scared my soul and it was ruining my life, I believed all the lies of my childhood that I was a reject, unwanted, ugly, unlovable. And I felt like that deep down that was who I was that if people got too close they would see that I really was a loser and they would reject me and would leave me. And these lies fed my low self esteem and begun to rule my life, not dealing with these lies, and pain and scars it was starting to have a really negative impact in every aspect of my life, like weeds trying to strangle the beautiful plant God was trying to produce in me.  

That was until I was a leadership meeting at church and we had a guest speaker and he said a profound statement that struck me -
"You will never be able to lead God's people, unless you Let God love you"

We were giving time to reflect and I was just gob smacked I was filled with God's joy and was like "I get it there is a difference knowing God loves you and Letting God love you." Letting the scars of the past rule my life was pushing God away from my heart instead of letting him love me and I finally saw myself the way I was created - a beautiful precious daughter of the King. I am not rejected I am loved and treasured and had been perused and paid for with a price, I am not ugly and I am beautiful in the eyes of the only one that truly matters. I gave him my heart in that moment and allowed him to fill me with his love 

Romans 8:38-39

New International Version (NIV)

³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 


here are 2 songs that summed up this revelation;
I need you to love me - Barlow Girl

Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You

[Chorus:]
But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been

    

And Beautiful - Mercy Me

  The days will come when you don't have the strength  

When all you hear is you're not worth anything 

 Wondering if you ever could be loved  

And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much

You're beautiful You're beautiful You are made so much more than all of this  

You're beautiful You're beautiful You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His  

You're beautiful

 
I'm praying that you have the heart to find  

Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight  

For all the lies you've held inside so long  

And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

 
You're beautiful You're beautiful  

You are made so much more than all of this  

You're beautiful You're beautiful You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His  

You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath  

Long before the world began  

Of all the wonders He possessed  

There was one more precious  

Of all the earth and skies above  

You're the one He madly loves  

Enough to die
 

You're beautiful You're beautiful In His eyes
You're beautiful You were meant for so much more than all of this  

You're beautiful You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His  

You're beautiful You're beautiful You're meant for so much more than all of this  

You're beautiful You're beautiful You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His

Time in the desert

So what’s next? 

After Kenya and a God given passion for Africa and children in poverty.

I had a prophecy moment I guess you could say, I just had this sense in me that I would be working in childcare for 2 years then I would get ready to go again, seeing as I was just about the complete my diploma of children’s service it made sense, as much as I really wanted to be back in Africa.

And sure enough I got offered a position at a local childcare centre and for there for 2 years and these were some very interesting years. After having such an intense experience of God in Africa, back in Australia he all of a sudden because very quiet, or I got more distracted. And I discovered that working with children can be very challenging as well as rewarding. I had a pretty stressful time, learning real patience. And dealing with high amounts of stress, I would constantly have break downs and would constantly wonder why God had me here for such a time as this. Later I discovered it was to shape and build my character. To trust in God and turn to him even when he felt light years away and to learn what it really meant to be like Jesus to try to react to situations like Jesus would, to love these children as Jesus did, even when some days it was really, really hard.  

As this was happening Africa was always at the back of my mind, so there was a lot of praying and waiting on God for the right time. And I had so many opportunities to meet people that were involve in mission in Africa and heard from so many people and God really was just stirring me on, but none of them felt right, but I did develop quite a group of contacts in Africa.

This time of waiting on God was tough especially after having such an intense experience of his everyday presence. But a Brooke Fraser song really spoke to my situation and became my anthem to God
 The lyrics go like this;

 "Faithful"

There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
i wave my arms' round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what i long for

[CHORUS]
When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear everyword I pray
And i want you more than i want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
i still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So i whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tounge,
knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me

[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE]
Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want

Kenya- Mission, Broken Heart, & Purpose

Kenya 2008 where it all started
In 2007 the associate pastor at my church approached me and asked me whether I would be interested in going on a mission trip to Africa next year, and without any considered I said YES.
Since that moment I knew without a doubt I would going to Africa in the near future, which was crazy, because I have never even thought about going to another country and now it was all I could think

We begun the planning process and it was good all up until a week before we were to fly out Jan 2008. The elections had just happened and resulted in civil unrest, Kenya declared to dangerous to travel to.

So 4 days before we about to leave we cancel/postpone our trip to an undetermined date. Hmmm talk about throwing a spanner in the works!!

It worked out though, after a lot of Yes, No, Yes, No and Doubt, confusion and learning to be patient.  6 of us left for Kenya on 19th of March 2008. We arrived in Kenya and traveled to MCF - Mully Childrens Family Home - a home for orphans, street children and children's suffering from HIV Aids 

We stayed at MCF for 2 weeks and in that time we experienced God in such a way that cant be described with words. His presences was so real that I didn't have to pray I just felt him read my thoughts, and I saw him in every childs face I looked into. I felt home and at peace here more than I had in my whole life in the Heart of Africa, in the Heart of God
Before I had left Australia I heard a song by hillsong united - Hosana and the lyrics of  the bridge I feel in love with

Heal my heart and make it clean 
Open up my eyes to the things unseen 
Show me how to love the way you have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything for your kingdoms cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

These words became so real to me in Kenya -  
Heal my heart and make it clean - I had pain in my heart from just coming out of a long term relationship and I realised that I had become someone else and in Kenya God begun to heal my heart, helped me to let go and he got rid of all the lies and I was free to be me again without shame be the light he created me to be
Open up my eyes to the things unseen - I learned what it was like to look at people and see that they were made in God's image and to he that they reflected a part of his beauty and I experienced God, saw God not using my physical eyes
Show me how to love you have loved me - I had so many beautiful and precious moments with the children and just got to share love with them whether that was listening to their story, singing with them or dancing with them or holding them in my arms as they feel asleep
Break my heart for what breaks yous - This was the biggest thing for me, I said before I had just experienced a broken heart from a relationship but I desperately wanted to experience the heart of God and be on fire for him and wanted to be moved by the things that broke his heart. And one day he answered that prayer, I sat there just reflecting and watching the children run around and play and to see how much joy that had after experiencing the pasts that they had. And I sensed God say Bec these children break my heart, to know they were left abandoned on the streets with no one to care for and love them but I love them SO much. These children you see, that joy - thats my power I rescued these children and know they are free to experience my joy and be all I have created them to be. But there are so many other children that the world has forgotten that I created and they are going through unimaginable things because of this broken world and THAT that breaks my heart!! And from that moment my heart breaks for any child who is forgotten about or unloved and especially children in Africa God has set in my heart a God given desire and passion for these children so much so that even 4 years later whenever I tell this part of my story I always choke up and my heart physically aches!
Everything for your kingdoms cause, As I walk from earth into eternity - this experience gave me a whole new world view. Life isn't about us its about God and what he is doing and getting to be a part of that. I realized the everyday life is all about living every living second as much as we can try for God. There is a bigger picture than our little lives

So after having this life changing experienced I asked what now, God has given me a purpose, passion and a heart for doing his work and for Africa, but now I'm flying back to Australia. What to do?? Then God gave me a thought that - I'd come home finish my child care course, work for a couple of Years then get ready to go back and so the waiting game begins......